What if I’m not following the 5 stages of Grief?
Most people don’t follow the five stages, and that’s okay. The original book that first discussed the five stages in 1969 is actually called, “On Death and Dying” by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. She was studying people who they themselves were dying – it was not about their loved ones living with the loss after they had departed. Her research supports the idea that when someone is told they have a limited amount of time left to live, they will pass through the 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. At the time, there was very limited research on grief, so these 5 stages were also applied to those who grieved the loss of the person who passed.
This continues to be one model of grief, but it is certainly not the only one. Often people like clear guidelines of what to expect, which is why the 5 stages can seem appealing. It sounds simple enough: move from one stage to the next until you reach the end and then everything is “better” or “healed”. The problem is that if someone has been feeling depressed, and then suddenly feel angry, they may think they are going backwards, and this is simply not the case.
Grief is complicated and layered. It rearranges your entire life: your sense of security and predictability, your identity, your thoughts, your feelings and your routines, and a million other things are all suddenly different. This can’t fit neatly into 5 boxes, and may not fit into 100 boxes, that’s okay. Your life with the loved one you lost didn’t fit into boxes; it’s okay if your grief doesn’t either.
So, what will my grief look like?
That is impossible to say exactly. There will be no road map, so please do your best to be gentle with yourself as you experience it. You may have moments of calm in the middle of a stormy day. You may have a rogue wave of grief on a seemly calm day.
Another model of grief is one by Lois Tonkin. She offered that grief does not shrink overtime, but rather life grows around it (see the image below with the black circle representing grief). Your experiences of love and grief may inform your life, but as time goes on the grief becomes part of life without overwhelming it. This is one of the models I prefer. As a counsellor, I will never try to take away your grief. It is an expression of love and loss and it deserves its place to be validated and honoured. As you are feeling ready and willing, I will support your growth of other experiences. We will talk about how it feels, mixed with the good, the bad, and of course the grief. Overtime, your world can grow and expand, and the grief you feel can still be honoured.
