A person you care about has lost someone and now it’s been more than a few months. Bringing food no longer seems needed, they’re starting to connect with friends and life, and it almost seems like things are starting to go back to a version of normal. You’re unsure how to navigate this next part, and you’re here reading this for a little guidance. This is wonderful of you! Society doesn’t deal with pain and grief well, and no one ever taught us what to do, what to say, or how to be present. Your grieving person that you love doesn’t know how to navigate this next part either. This is a society issue, not a personal failing so I really appreciate you being here.

When grief is earth shattering, when it obliterates the landscape of your life, things will always be different than they were before – 5 years, 10 years later, there will always be a sense of loss of what could have been – what should have been. Even if your loved one has gone back to work, is coaching volleyball, and no longer breaks down in public – there will always be a sense of loss. They love (in present tense) their person, even if their person has been gone for a long time. That love, combined with their person’s absence means that grief walks with them as part of their life.

As their friend/loved one, I would hope you want them to be authentic with you and share their actual experience and not a sweetened version to make things more palatable. Grieving people often water down their internal experience to make it more acceptable to share with society. This is likely something society has taught us (“smile”, “be grateful”, “look on the bright side” etc.). You may need to remind them that you are a safe place for them to share their genuine, unfiltered experience. After all, the person grieving after a significant loss should not be the one that protects everyone else – they are the one that needs support and caring. Side note: Being present with pain is hard and may require some selfcare in order for you to be fully present.

Now, what do you say? What do you do? I am going to provide you with a list of things you can do, and things you can say to start the conversation. Your grieving person might not know all the answers, and that’s okay. This particular loss is a once in a lifetime experience so they don’t know how to navigate this either. This will give you a starting point to open the conversation, so you can get a better sense of how to support your person ongoing – for years and decades later. Erasure of a passed loved one is deeply painful, and given everything that has happened, we want to keep their person present in a meaningful way.

Things you can do:

• Make a note of important dates and keep them in your phone. You might not remember a birthday of their passed person 10 years later, but they will, and you may want to check in.
• If you know a significant date is coming up – a birthday, an anniversary – you can check in a few days before. Do they want to get together? Is there something they want to talk about, or maybe they want to honour their person with you in some way? Maybe have a little toast to them or share some memories Opening the conversation here is the important part.
• Check in. Years later. Start the conversation for them. They may be thinking that they don’t want to be the person that is always talking about grief. But consistently being with their grief may be their reality. You can relieve some of that burden by bringing up their loved one. Allow them to be sad or be happy. Share memories or talk about their person so they don’t get erased.
• Ask if they want to talk about their loved one. Sometimes they do, sometimes they want an escape by being allowed to get lost in the stories of a life that hasn’t been shattered by their own grief. Allow them that escape – genuinely. Don’t force conversation about their person.

I know we often don’t have the words to start the conversation, so here are a few things you can say:

• “I was thinking about (the passed person) today, and this fun memory popped into my head, is it okay if I share?”
• “I know it’s been a long time, but I also know society sucks at dealing with grief. How is life for you? Is there anything you want to share? I want you to know you can always bring this up with me.”
• When your person says they’re “fine/good” you can reply with, “I know that’s often a conditioned response for people in pain, but you also may not want to talk about it. Do you want me to accept you’re ‘fine’ and graze over that, or do you want to share more?”
• As your person rebuilds their life, check in with each milestone, big and small. “I heard you’re planning to go back to work. I’m sure that’s bringing up some mixed feelings for you. Do you want to talk about what that experience is like for you?” Also, it may be a good idea to check in with milestones that are not directly related to grief. For example, someone who lost their significant other a few years ago, and a new grandchild was born recently – they may want to talk about how that person would have loved the new baby and it’s also sad they will never meet.
• Maybe you have never met the person they lost, you can ask if they want to tell you stories. You can express how you would love to hear about their person as a way to get to know this person who was so significant to them.
• You can also ask about specific side-effects of grief that tend to occur for a few months to a few years after a death, specifically brain fog and exhaustion. This may be an indirect way of opening the conversation to their internal experience. “I heard grief often comes with a significant amount of exhaustion (or brain fog), how are you doing with that? Is there anything I can do to help?” Also, if your person forgets things you’ve just said – they’re doing their best. Honestly, the brain fog is wild (think ‘keys in the fridge’ kind of brain fog).

I hope you find this helpful. You’ve read this far because you want to be authentically present in a relationship with someone you care about, and I think that is beautiful. With all the knowledge in the world, it’s still impossible to get everything right after a loss, but the fact that you’re trying deserves to be acknowledged. 😊