Supporting Someone You Care About Through Grief
Thank you for being here. I’m assuming you’re doing your best to be part of the support system and that’s why you’re reading this now. The fact that you care enough to try to learn what to do and not do says a lot about you.
It’s hard to watch someone else hurt. It’s in our biology and there are scientific reasons for that, but I won’t geek-out about mirror neurons here and go into the details. It’s enough to say that watching someone we care about in pain creates our own kind of pain. This is important to recognize, because if we don’t bring that into our conscious mind, we might unintentionally try to cure our own pain through “cheering up” our person. Instead, we care about this person enough to put our own uncomfortable feelings aside and actually be there for them in a meaningful way. To do this, you may need to do some of your own self care, so please be aware of that too.
We can’t fix grief. In most cases of deep pain, a simple phrase or any one thing doesn’t make a huge difference. Consider a time when you were hurting deeply. Was it helpful when someone tried to get you to ignore your pain or just think positively. Did you feel seen? Cared for? It’s unlikely. The intention was there, but it didn’t land well. When I make eggs, sometimes I intend to keep my yolk intact, but my technique breaks the yolk. Intention helps but isn’t everything. It is unlikely you will be perfect in this. You can try your absolute best and not everything will land – and that’s okay. Sometimes innocent statements land poorly and that might not be a reflection of you, but rather an illustration that grief is confusing and heavy. Keep doing your best and be gentle with yourself even if your best effort isn’t perfect.
If your loved one pulls away and wants more time in solitude, that might not have anything to do with you. Grief is also exhausting. Their solitude is not personal, they’re doing their absolute best to get through the day. Most of their energy has gone into mourning, and they might not have anything left to return texts or have a visit.
Given all of that, what can you say/do?
When you’re sick with the flu, soup may help. It may provide some sense of a warm, comfortable feeling. It doesn’t fix the flu, but somehow it feels a little less bad. Your goal is to be that soup. You’re not going to fix their pain, but your presence and comfort can help them feel loved in a time they are likely to feel very alone.
You can try some of the things below, some of these things your person might appreciate, and others may not. It really depends on the person. You may ask them what will help, and they might not know and that’s okay. It’s a tough time.
| Please do! | Please do not do. |
| Be present. Show up. Call them. Leave messages. In this, please do not expect anything in return. You may send a message telling them you care and you’re there for them, but also let them know it’s okay if they don’t call or text you back. This shows them that their pain is not going to scare you away.
Depending on the closeness of the relationship, just do things. Drop off food, vacuum their home, take their dog for a walk, watch a movie with them. Of course, this very much depends on each individual relationship as to whether this would be welcome or inappropriate. Use your judgement, you may need to get explicit consent. Let them be in pain. It may sound counterintuitive but allowing them to be as they are and be a loving witness is far more helpful than trying to get them out of their pain. Allow yourself to be corrected. If your loved one tells you that something you did or said isn’t helping – that’s wonderful to know! It won’t feel good, but them telling you is good. They set a boundary around something, and setting a boundary is a way that they can love you and still love themselves. Setting a boundary shows they’re trying to keep you around in a moment they likely feel very fragile, rather than push you away to be safe. Bring up the loved one that has passed away. Share your favourite memories. Often people stop bringing up the one that died because it makes the other person sad. Maybe you want to get consent first. For many, erasure of the deceased loved one is far worse than a happy story that mixes feelings of love with the pain of loss. |
Do not compare your grief. Everyone has some element of being alone in their grief, and no one experiences grief the same. Sometimes in trying to connect by sharing our pain, we might accidently seem like we’re making things about ourselves.
Do not offer unsolicited advice. Don’t talk about how things will be better in the future. Things suck now. Do not offer platitudes: · “They’re in a better place.” (but they’re not here so it still sucks). · You’ll grow so much coming out of this (they could have grown without this. Loss is not a requirement for growth). · Any sentence that starts with “At least…” (it’s unlikely they will get cheered up from the bare minimum that an “at least” sentence offers)
Do not minimize their grief. Whether it’s for the loss of a parent, a child, a pregnancy, a relationship, a pet, a long-held dream or anything else, they are entitled to feel how they feel and what they lost cannot be replaced.
Do not expect things to get better on a particular timeline. Grief is a long and may stay with them forever. |
If you want to know more, and educate yourself further, I highly recommend It’s Okay that You’re not Okay by Megan Devine.